


Punishment

by anathebookworm



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: AU Josh makes it out of the mines, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, No Wendigo!Josh, but they barely appear, maybe a hopeful ending would be a better way to say that, or something like that, the others are here too
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-28
Updated: 2016-06-07
Packaged: 2018-07-10 16:33:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 12,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6995932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anathebookworm/pseuds/anathebookworm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He felt her pain then. He couldn’t know how it was even possible, but he felt a terrible, burning pain on his stomach just as Hannah’s – no, the monster’s – arm impaled Sam’s lower abdomen. It was his mind playing tricks on him, showing him what it was like to watch his Sam getting hurt for real. This was him getting punished.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Gabicasaril](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gabicasaril/gifts).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sam never survives with me. This sucks. A lot. And since she’s always dying whenever I’m trying to save her, why the hell not try and write something based on it? But fear not, she is NOT going to die here. Just a little.  
> Also, let’s assume that Mike did manage to get Josh out of the mines *mostly* unharmed.

“Hannah,” he whispered just as Mike told them to stay still. But how could he? That was his baby sister, his little Hannah, hanging from the Lodge’s chandelier. The tattoo couldn’t belong to anyone but her. “Hannah.”

“Shut up!” Mike hissed again, just as the two clothed wendigos screeched. Thankfully, that seemed to attract enough of Hannah’s attention. That is, until she ripped the head of one of them off. Because snapping necks wasn’t a cool thing to do, no, no.

He had to stay still. Not moving. Not moving at all. He couldn’t do that. But how was he supposed to stay still when his baby sister was so close? When Sam needed his help?

 _Sam_.

His mind started showing new images, new ways to torture him. Hurting Sam. Hurting Chris. Hurting Chris and Sam was his punishment, that was what he had to watch to be punished for leaving Hannah and Beth to die. He had to do that. He needed to see them suffer, to suffer with them. He had to.

He couldn’t breathe.

He was supposed to stay still but he couldn’t breathe. He had to get out of the Lodge, had to take Sam and Mike and everyone to somewhere safe. Could he get Hannah too? He wished he could. That would quieten her voice maybe. Would make her stop blaming him.

But Hannah was hanging from the chandelier. His baby sister never did that before. Did she? He couldn’t remember, but that didn’t seem like a hobby Hannah might have had.

“Quiet, quiet, quiet…” He chanted, praying that the voices inside his voice would stop for a moment. Just while he couldn’t move, then they could pester him like they usually did.

Suddenly all was silent except for a screech. Then a roar. Then… the smell of blood and something that was surely not edible.

_Sam!_

He turned his head to the side, just a little bit. A little bit and the monsters wouldn’t notice. Hannah wouldn’t notice.

But he wasn’t ready for the sight that greeted him. Hannah – or what was left of Hannah _if_ there was anything left at all – had her pointy and skeleton fingers curled around Sam’s neck and chin, holding her body up while her legs dangled without touching the floor.

He felt her pain then. He couldn’t know how it was even possible, but he felt a terrible, burning pain on his stomach just as Hannah’s – no, _the monster’s_ – arm impaled Sam’s lower abdomen. It was his mind playing tricks on him, showing him what it was like to watch his Sam getting hurt for real. This was him getting punished.

But it would have to wait.

“Hannah!” He screamed at the top of his lungs, not bothering to hold still anymore. Sam was in pain! Sam needed his help, he could see her blood pooling on the ground, could see her eyes blinking repeatedly. “Let go of her! Let go, Hannah!”

“Come on, Josh!” Mike grabbed him by the shoulders with bloody hands, running straight for the light switch. “We have to go!”

Hannah didn’t look at him, didn’t look at either of them. She was too preoccupied in throwing Sam’s motionless body on the floor, as if her former best friend wasn’t worth a thing.

But he knew better than that. Sam was worth the world. Sam the _bestest_ person he could ever dream to find.

He shook Mike’s hand off of him – he couldn’t know how though, because he was feeling so fucking tired that every muscle ached like they were literally set on fire – and ran back to Sam, throwing himself almost on top of her.

Hannah noticed him then. She roared on his face, her smelly breath almost enough to make him empty his already-empty stomach then and there.

That would have to wait, too.

“Sam,” he shook her, begged his muscles to stop burning just for a moment, just while he tried to help his Sammy. “Fucking hell, Sammy. You don’t get to leave me before I apologize! Fucking damn hell!”

He tried making pressure on the hole in her stomach, but the blood wouldn’t stop pouring. It wouldn’t stop. He could smell it, could smell death so close to them now. But all that mattered was helping Sammy, because Sammy needed to live.

He had to tell her so many things. He had to apologize first of course, but there was so much he needed to share! He couldn’t do that before, couldn’t find it in himself to open up to her. But now that he was seeing her slipping through his fingers, now he needed to keep her. He would tell her everything. Anything.

He would love her if she allowed him.

Just as the thought flashed in his mind, a loud whistle reverberated through the entire Lodge.

“Hey!” Mike screamed from his place near the door. “Come and get me, Hannah! Hey!”

“Fucking hell,” Josh repeated. He never thought he would see the day where Mike Munroe, asshat extraordinaire, would try and save his life.

He had to get up. He had to get Sam up. They needed the get the hell out of this place before they all died a very gruesome death that was not PG at all.

Hannah left him and Sam alone almost instantly, deciding to go to Mike with her bared teeth. But before she could reach him, the clothed Wendigo that still had its head where it was supposed to be threw itself on Hannah’s back, biting and tearing the flesh of her shoulder.

It wasn’t a great distraction, but it was enough for Mike to get to where he and Sam were and help them out. Josh didn’t dare look back when Mike turned the switch on, the heat from behind him and the loud explosion were proof enough for him to understand what had happened.

His knees stopped working then, and he fell face first on the snow with Sam still on his arms. Finally on his arms. He had wanted her there for so long. He couldn’t even remember since when.

But yet again, it would have to wait. Because she was dying.

 _He_ was probably fucking dying too.

“Get off of her!” He heard Emily’s voice from somewhere on his left and barely complained when she rolled Sam out of his arms. “She needs to be stitched up!” As if that wasn’t fucking obvious, Josh wanted to say.

He was still feeling the pain on his stomach, but that was alright now.

That was his punishment.

He deserved it.

He would embrace it as long as Sam got to live.


	2. Part II

They gave him blankets.

 _Comfort blankets_ or whatever was what one of the stupid nurses had told him. But there was nothing that could offer him comfort now except for Sammy.

She had been in surgery for almost six hours, and during that time all he got were fucking blankets. Now she was transferred to a room, but he didn’t know whether or not she was conscious. She probably wasn’t. Brains usually kept people asleep for a while after traumatic events – it was a good way to avoid facing reality.

But he couldn’t sleep. He had to get to her, make sure was alright. That gash in her stomach wasn’t looking particularly alright the last time he saw her.

He supposed that after his little show of sawing himself in a half he shouldn’t feel anything about exposed entrains, but that was a lie. Seeing a hole in Sam’s stomach was an image that would be forever etched in his mind, no matter how nuts he might have been on the moment.

It made sense that his brain put him to sleep then, nightmares were obviously better than reality. Right now, he supposed that image along with the one where his sister impaled Sam in the belly would be part of his nightmares from now on.

If she survived this, then he was alright with it.

He just didn’t want to have to bury Sammy too, because there was no way he would know what to do with himself then.

That is, if he was even allowed to go to Sam’s burial should that happen – her friends wouldn’t want him there, not when it was all his fault.

Shaking his head to clear it from these terrible thoughts, he made the decision to get up from this hospital bed and find Sam’s room – the nurses could even tie him back to the bed, he didn’t care, he could find another way to reach Sam.

But maybe luck was on his side this time. He managed to get out of his room unnoticed, and fortunately the corridor was empty for now.

“Stop right there, jackass!”

Well, luck wasn’t something that existed in his world though.

“Why, hello Emily!” Josh turned around with a fake grin on his face after saluting the girl. She was just closing the door of one of the rooms behind her and he wondered who the ice queen might be visiting. “Fancy seeing you here – I didn’t realize this was your kind of place.”

“Yes, well,” she huffed and showed him her bandaged shoulder. “I had to get stitched up because of your wonderful idea of a fun weekend.”

He scratched the back of his head, not knowing what to say. He had been planning to apologize to Sam, throw himself at her feet if necessary. But Emily was a completely different thing. She had, after all, involuntarily ruined the lives of his sisters and he wasn’t sure he was ready to forgive her.

“I figured that much,” Emily huffed again, throwing her hair behind her shoulders. He didn’t think she could read minds, but if she continued speaking, perhaps he would get to just ignore her and continue searching for Sammy.

When Emily started walking away, not bothering to even look at him anymore, Josh reconsidered his thought – perhaps she _did_ have a mind-reading ability. Who knows? The world had wendigos, anything else wouldn’t be hard to believe.

Something else occurred to him, too.

Emily couldn’t be visiting Matt, because for all that he knew, Matt only had a few bruises and scratches and was home already. And if he knew anything about Emily at all, she didn’t care enough about anyone else on the group to keep visiting their rooms.

No one else _but_ Sam.

He didn’t know the full story, but the PG version of it was that Emily wasn’t all that happy with the gang because Mike pointed something that wasn’t fun to her. Apparently only Sam told him where to keep it and Emily was insanely grateful for that.

So—

Without even thinking about it, Josh ran to the door Emily had exited and knocked. Then he entered without waiting for an invitation.

“Emily, please,” a cough interrupted the phrase. “I told you it was alright to phone my parents, but—”

Sam stopped talking altogether and restarted coughing when she saw who was standing by her door.

“Sorry,” Josh muttered, not sorry at all that he was visiting her. He needed to see her, needed to make sure she was better. Especially now that he wasn’t out of his bonkers (damn, the docs gave him something pretty strong, because he felt _too_ lightheaded). “I…uh… yeah.”

She just blinked, her coughing having stopped by now.

“Say something,” he whispered, staring at her wide green eyes. Waiting. Waiting for her to tell him to go away, to leave her alone. Tell him that it was his fault that she now had an enormous and (possibly) ugly scar marring her otherwise flawless skin.

“I…I don’t know what to say,” she answered after a tense moment, her eyes pooling with tears. She probably didn’t do this consciously, but she started rubbing her belly gently. Afraid, scared, terrified. Sad, lost, grieving. “I have… no idea what you want me to say.”

Josh just shook his head and finally turned around to close the door behind him, though he didn’t make any moves to get closer to Sam’s bed.

“That’s good enough.” He nodded – to her and to himself, he couldn’t tell. It didn’t matter anyway, did it?

He wanted to ask her how she was feeling, but that was a stupid question. He could only imagine what was passing through her mind, what sort of images were probably tormenting her.

Stupid or now, he needed her answer. So, “how are you… holding up?” He paused before scratching his head again. “Thanks for saving me though, back in the mines. If you and Mike weren’t there, I don’t know what would have—”

“It’s alright.” She said simply, her eyes still looking like they might start leaking tears soon. He didn’t know which question she was answering though. “I’m just glad it’s over.”

Josh nodded, wishing he could feel such a thing. He was glad to see her whole, alive and breathing. But it didn’t feel like anything was over. Perhaps it would never be, because everything that happened back on that night would haunt him forever.

They were all alive, this was supposed to be their “and they all lived happily ever again”. He snorted at the thought; if only someone said “and they all lived traumatized ever after”.

Once again shaking his thoughts away, Josh focused on Sammy. His girl. His Sammy. He wouldn’t need to bury her, wouldn’t need to experience a life where she was gone.

He might not be happy or “glad”, but he was definitely feeling relief right now.

“Can I,” Sam started quietly, almost timidly, “can I hug you, Josh? I miss… well, it might sound weird but I kinda miss human contact.”

He didn’t move at first. Then he bolted forward, stopping just when his forehead was almost touching hers as he bent down. “Are you sure this won’t hurt your stomach?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged. “But I really want to hug someone right now.”

“Alright,” he nodded. And then he enveloped her in his arms, trying very hard not to start crying. He was feeling so fucking tired now, he couldn’t believe he hadn’t noticed this before.

Sam, on the other hand, started crying – he was so startled that he didn’t know what to do but hug her tighter. “It’s alright Sammy, I’m here, you’re safe now… Everyone is safe now.” He tried to sooth her, but it only made her cry harder.

“I—I’m sorry, J—Josh,” she babbled, her head hidden on the crook of his neck. Her words were a little muffled, but he didn’t think he misunderstood any of them. “I’m so—so sorry that I couldn’t—couldn’t save Hannah and Beth be—before. Hannah… she hated me that night, would—would have killed me if it weren’t for—for you. But—but you have every right to hate me, too…”

If he was startled when she started crying, he couldn’t find the right word to define what he was on that moment. _She_ was sorry? How could she be sorry, when everything happened because of him? She wouldn’t ever have had to face that monsters if he hadn’t invited her. She would never have needed to be pranked, didn’t deserve what he did to her.

And yet _she_ was apologizing to _him_.

That was fucking sick. It must have been happening because of that stupid _comfort blanket_ that he was still wearing – that must some sort of talisman to attract pity. And nonsense.

“Shut—shut up, Sammy.” He said, his lips and arms and hands shaking violently. “Hannah would never hate you and you know that – she loved you more than she loved me. You _know_ that.” Josh tried to laugh, to make it sound funny, but his shaking hands weren’t very helpful. “And I… You are the only one I have left, Sammy. There is no way in hell that I’m going to hate you for anything. Ever. You’re my Sammy.”

“I’m so—so sorry,” she repeated. But her tears seemed to subside a little, he thought. Good, that was good. A crying Sam wasn’t good, no, no. “I’m so lost, Josh… I don’t know what to do now…”

“Maybe sleep a little? I bet someone told you already that this was a good option,” he winked at her, and she did crack a small smile.

She then was the one who started shaking, new tears on her eyes. “Can I… tell you a secret?”

“Of course.”

“I…” she rubbed her belly again, “I actually… the doctors say that I probably am not… going to be able to walk again… because—because—”

She started sobbing. He knew why, of course – knew that not walking would mean no walks around the parks, no climbing, no bicycles, not doing things that she loved so much.

He hugged her again, tighter than before. He tried to caress her blonde locks, but everything just seemed to make her cry harder. He was almost tempted to run back to Emily and ask for her help.

“It’s alright, it’s alright,” he kept repeating, even though he knew nothing was alright. “I’ll be here the whole time, Sammy. We’ll find a way to make you walk again, don’t—don’t worry…”

“It’s not all.” She confided in a whisper after a moment. “They say that I’ll never—never be able to—to have children. The—the wendigo destroyed my uterus and—and I’ll never get this—this chance…”

“Well,” he said through his own tears, “they told me I was misdiagnosed. Said that I have schizophrenia and that’s… that’s actually why there are so many hallucinations all the time.”

He didn’t know why he was telling her this when she was obviously having a hard time with her own burdens. Perhaps he was trying to show her that they were all broken, that she wouldn’t be alone – he would never leave her alone, even with his demons bothering him all the time.

Somehow, he thought she understood. She hugged him just as tight as he was hugging her and suddenly whispered, “I don’t—don’t feel my legs right now but… but would you lie down here? It’s—it’s just that having you here is good and—”

“No problem,” he smiled a little, making himself comfortable and awkwardly hugging Sammy. Trying to show her that he was really there, that he was really going to comfort her. “Just tell me if something hurts, alright?”

“Alright.” She nodded, her eyes boring into his. “Just stay away from the bandages and you should be fine.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

They stayed in silence for a long time, and Josh almost believed that Sam was already asleep when something that had been bothering him before came back. He didn’t apologize for what he did, didn’t tell her how much he hated himself for making her go through this.

“Sammy?” He tried calling her, not touching her lower back and stomach for fear of hurting her even more. “Sammy?”

After a moment, a sleepy answer came. “Hmm?”

“I’m sorry for… for everything.” He said, a lump forming in his throat. “I’m sorry that I hurt you. I should never have done that, I—”

“It’s alright,” she patted his hand quietly, dropping a kiss to one of his fingers. “I guess you can say—” she stopped for a moment to yawn. “—we’re even now.”

“Alright.” He answered, the lump in his throat now accompanied by a knot in his heart. “Alright, Sammy.”


	3. Part III

They gave him a new and giant batch of meds with a shiny list of instructions on how to take them.

They gave her, however, a shiny and brand new wheelchair.

None of them was particularly happy with their new acquisitions, but none of them complained. All that mattered was that they were going to be released from the hospital at last. They were going home. Home.

But… where was _home_? Josh honestly didn’t know, and he doubted asking Sam would be any good. He didn’t want to go to his parents’ house, where so many memories of his sisters and his life were – and he knew from their late night talks that Sam didn’t want to go and live with her parents either. But was there a choice? He didn’t know either.

Just as the thoughts started to overwhelm him, he felt Sammy’s hand enveloping his. She always knew what to do, didn’t she? To express how he appreciated her thoughtfulness, he looked down and offered a small smile.

But Sammy wasn’t smiling. She had a sad, distant look in her eyes that made him grip her hand tighter, trying to steady her back to reality when he wasn’t sure he could do that for himself. But he had to try.

“Sammy?”

She just shook her head sadly. “I’m fine, don’t worry.”

“Well, too late for that.” He forced a smile again. “What’s in your mind?”

“It’s nothing,” she insisted.

Sighing, he nodded. If she wanted to think about it first, then alright – he would let her think. He just had to make sure she didn’t get too lost in her thoughts, otherwise she would sink in a depressed state that scared the hell out of him. Was that what he looked like when he was out of it? If that was, he would make an extra effort to stay sane – he had to look after Sammy now, after all. She needed him the most now.

“Sammy?” He asked again after a few minutes of pushing her chair forward silently.

“Yeah?”

“I love you,” he whispered, somehow believing that saying this quietly would make it mean more. And as the words left his lips, he realized that he did love her for so many reasons and in so many ways. He loved her for being there for him on his worst moments, he loved her for being his anchor and for forgiving his worst mistakes. He loved her in a platonic, innocent way and he loved her deeply, so deeply that he wasn’t sure he would ever be able to find the proper words to describe the feeling to her.

 Looking down at Sam’s face again, he saw that her sadness shifted to confusion for a second before settling in warmth, finally with a smile gracing her features.

Despite the fact that she didn’t offer an “I love you too” or anything of the sort, her smile was enough for now, he supposed. As long as she wasn’t breaking on the inside, he was fine.

“You know Sammy, I texted the ice bit—I mean, _Emily_ yesterday,” he started speaking again, as if he hadn’t said _I love you_ a few seconds ago. This was something important too, and would make him worry less if he said it to her sooner.

“Yeah?” She quirked an eyebrow up.

He nodded, “she wanted to talk to you personally, but decided I should be the one to do it. So, what I’m trying to say is that Emily is asking what your thoughts would be on the possibility of living with her.”

“She’s asking to… take care of me?” Sam asked slowly, as if the idea of allowing someone to take care of her was a profanity. Well, he supposed she was more open to the idea of taking care of others – but that wasn’t an option right now.

“Kind of?”

“No.” She answered quickly. “Tell her that I’m thankful, but no. I can take care of myself just fine.”

“You should message her then.” He shrugged. “But we need to figure out what we’re going to do now after we leave this goddamn hospital.” It probably was a little going ahead of himself to keep saying “we”, but it couldn’t hurt to just try and test the waters to see if she was at least open to this possibility. Right?

She looked at him oddly for the longest time before ruefully nodding.

She didn’t need to voice the unspoken agreement that they were going to stick together from now on, if only to keep each other sane. Or as sane as the situation allowed.

“So I guess we could use one of my family’s apartments.” He continued, gulping in nervousness. “Would—would you be okay with that?”

After a moment, Sammy nodded again. “We can try.”

Even though he still had his own reservations and burdens, he couldn’t stop from grinning a little too widely.

“We uh,” he said after a second, “well, we need to go and buy my new meds too. Wouldn’t want to go all… nuts on you.” It was something delicate to say honestly. He couldn’t make her think that he was doing this just for her sake, couldn’t say anything that would remind her of his time as “the Psycho”.

“That’s a good idea,” she said with a smile, not missing a beat. He was almost willing to believe she wasn’t uncomfortable at all with the idea. “I’ll need a few meds of my own too, so that’s really okay.”

“Okay.” He repeated, not sure on what else to say.

And so Josh decided on not saying a thing, just pushing Sam’s chair forward and forward.

Maybe forward enough to reach a good life for them.


	4. Part IV

She had alarms set on her phone for when he needed to take his meds.

He, on the other hand, adapted every single corner of their new home so that she could feel at least a little independent.

Sometimes he would start crying and feeling depressed for no apparent reason, and sometimes she would swear her abdomen was being impaled again. It was hard, but he thought it would have been way worse if they weren’t with each other.

However, sometimes he felt like he deserved to be alone, felt that he shouldn’t be bothering Sam when she had so many problems of her own to deal with.

This time it was worse.

Josh closed his eyes tightly, willing the pain in his chest to just go away, to stop, to let him breathe. All his wishful thoughts brought was more pain – and he let out a pitiful whimper.

Not really thinking about it, he hugged his legs to his chest and rocked himself back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth.

The pain and the sadness remained.

But Sam was sleeping, finally managing to get some rest. He couldn’t bother her now. Shouldn’t even be feeling like this when _he was fucking alright_ while _Sammy couldn’t fucking walk ever again!_ But he couldn’t help it.

“I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry…” He continued to whimper and chant, still rocking himself to try and get a grip on his nerves. “I didn’t want for any of to happen… I didn’t!”

Sometimes, like this one, his mind would replay the events of that night in Blackwood over and over. It was just so painful.

_It was all his fault!_

Hannah and Beth’s decomposing corpses weren’t there to tell him that anymore (thanks to the new meds, though he wasn’t sure if he didn’t kinda miss the twins’ presence), but there were so many other things that reminded him every day of his selfishness.

Sammy couldn’t walk anymore. Sammy wouldn’t stop crying herself to sleep, no matter how hard he tried to make sure she was comfortable. Sammy didn’t complain once, but he knew how much it hurt her to see her former climbing gear lying inside her bags. _And it was all his fault._ He felt the need to punish himself by punishing her, and now he couldn’t handle the consequences of his acts.

And the others, oh God, the others—

They didn’t want anything to do with him (and he totally understood that, _he_ didn’t want anything to do with himself either), but they wouldn’t abandon Sam. So almost every other day one of them would pass by and sit with Sammy for a while. They never really looked at him (Ashley didn’t even greet him anymore), and it was really alright, he understood that he deserved this.

But that didn’t mean _he_ didn’t look at _them_.

Whenever Emily wore a more revealing shirt, the scar on her shoulder would glare at him, blaming him for doing this to her – no matter how much he hated her, she was never supposed to have to wear a reminder of their trauma like this.

And Jess— _fuck_ —Jess barely looked like herself anymore. She didn’t laugh, didn’t talk very much, didn’t bother with makeup or prettying herself up. And _her scars_ —fuck, he couldn’t even think about it. Her entire face was marred. Her arms, her hands, everything almost made him believe she was teared apart and sewed back together.

Ashley he couldn’t even think about – her black eye was still swelling, and _it was all his fault!_

And then there was… there was fucking Mike, the asshole that he wished time and time again that would just drop dead already. He had blamed Mike for so long for everything that happened to his sisters, had wanted for so long to snap Mike’s neck. And now… Mike didn’t even have ten fingers anymore because he _had needed to cut his fingers off to survive!_

Not only that, but… there was a tiny part of him that still wanted to snap Mike’s neck whenever the man came to visit them – to visit Sam. He would hug her and talk for hours, all the while holding her hands or something like this. He knew Mike would never do anything that would put Sam’s life at risk, but Josh couldn’t forget that he had played a significant role in Hannah and Beth’s deaths – and there was… there was jealously as well. Not that he was proud of it, even of admitting it in his own mind.

“I’m so—sorry…” He sobbed, not managing to just whimper anymore. With his head spinning and hurting mercilessly, he forced his eyes shut again. He wished it would just… go away. “I can’t—can’t do this any—anymore!”

Josh grabbed his head with both of his hands as his body trembled.

He felt like giving up, like picking up his meds and taking all of them at once. To end everything already. The only thing still grounding him was that Sam needed someone to take care of her, to make sure she was alright and—

 _It didn’t need to be him_ , he realized with a start. Emily, Mike and even Jessica wouldn’t think twice before jumping to Sam’s aid. He could be gone, she didn’t really need him – he was stupid to believe, if only for a moment, that he was needed here.

With this in mind, he put himself to his feet and jogged to the cabinet of medicines to pick up his pills. It would just be so, so easy—

Just as the first pills touched his tongue, just as he was a second from swallowing them, a loud thump followed by a cry for help sounded from the nearest bedroom. _Sam’s bedroom._

And then—

“ _Josh!_ ”

He spat the pills on the sink. Not paying much attention to his tired feet, he ran to the bedroom as fast as he could, only stopping when he was right in front of Sam.

“Sammy!” He exclaimed involuntarily as he took the scene in – she probably had rolled off the bed and was lying on the floor with her legs tangled in each other; but the way her face was twisted in pain made him forget all about his own pain, about what he was a second from doing. Shaking his head, he knelt near his girl and picked her up carefully. “Sammy, Sammy, Sammy… It’s alright, okay? I’m here, it’s going to be alright.”

“It’s…” She tried to say, clutching his shoulders painfully while crying on the crook of his neck. “It’s hurting so much; can you—can you bring one of my pills to me?”

He nodded and slowly put her back on the bed, careful not to hurt her legs – they were so skinny now, so frail… — and ran back to the bathroom to pick up one of her pain pills. It was all so quick, he barely noticed that he had a glass of water in hand as well.

“Here, Sammy.” He offered her the glass and the pill, both of which that she gratefully took and swallowed. “It’s going to be alright.”

Sam kept nodding so much that Josh was starting to believe that she was reassuring herself and not him.

After a moment, she took his left hand firmly between both of hers. “Thanks, Josh.” She proceeded to kiss every one of his fingers then, just like she did back in the hospital. “Thank you so much for being here, I—I wouldn’t know—wouldn’t know what to do…”

Her words cut him in a way that he was completely unprepared for, making him remember just how close he was to being, yet again, a selfish prick.

But it also healed him, made him believe again that maybe he was doing something right here, maybe he was helping her after being the one to put her in this situation. Maybe his punishment would never end.

Before he could say anything, she squeezed his hand tighter and brought her forehead to his, right where he knew was a scar from his encounter with the wendigo. “Were—were you crying, Josh? What—what happened?” She didn’t allow him to even open his mouth. “Is it because… because of our… situation? I know, I really do know that it’s hard to be around me these days with this—this issue with my legs but—but if you’re doing this out of pity or guilt, really, you don’t have to—”

He kissed her.

It was at first just to shut her up, but it was also because he  _wanted to._ He didn’t expect her to answer to this, so he pulled back almost instantly – but his mission was accomplished, she was looking at him with mouth agape and eyes wide.

“There’s nothing wrong with you, Sammy,” he assured her. “I was just…just crying because I’m an idiot. You don’t have to worry about me, really.” Frowning with himself, because he realized that he _was_ being _a little stupid_ , he caressed her cheeks with as much care as his shaking hands allowed. “I’m not going anywhere, but you are going to go back to sleep – the pill you just took will make you sleepy in a few minutes.”

“I—” She tried to grabbed his face between her hands, but he turned to look away. “Promise me that you are going to talk to me if you need anything. _Anything at all._ ”

He shook his head for a second before deciding to just nod. “I will.” And then he looked at her in the eye, “yell if you need anything, too.”

“Alright.”

“I will… I will go to my own bedroom now, okay?”

She hesitated for a moment. “Don’t you dare do anything stupid just because I can’t run after you and kick your ass.”

It was enough for Josh to crack up a small smile – no matter how self-depreciating it was. “I’ll try. Have a good night, vegan Sammy.”

“You too…” She hesitated again, but this time she actually managed to smile a little. “Psycho Josh.”

She kissed him for a second then, just like he had done before – and now he was the one speechless, even as he made his way back to bathroom to take _one_ pill to help him sleep.

All that mattered to him, on that moment, was that Sam was telling him she accepted him, even though he had failed her so terribly before. Despite hurting her, putting her on a wheelchair, she still managed to accept him and even asked for his help. She kissed him.

When he lied on his bed that night, he didn’t think about his mistakes, nor did he think about his pitiful attempt at suicide – all he thought was connected one single word.

_Acceptance._


	5. Part V

He printed a giant poster of “what vegans eat” and put it in their living room – partly to amuse Sam and partly because he had to be sure he wouldn’t give her something she couldn’t eat.

He wasn’t exactly one of these people that believed vegans ate only “tofu, granola bars and grass”, but he was still a little surprised to see how many options he could choose from when he felt like cooking her something.

Or you know, felt like buying something. No matter how many qualities he thought he had, cooking wasn’t one of them. But picking up a phone and ordering something? That he could do. For as much as he hated to be in contact with people (other than Sammy), it wasn’t that much of an effort to make a call.

He still hadn’t spoken to her about the other night, when he considered suicide and she kissed him – and he was starting to doubt he ever would. To make up for this, Josh decided he could gift her with good food in bed.

 _Would it be acceptable to Google which vegan food was better in breakfast?_ He supposed he missed the class of etiquette when they taught this.

Frowning, he decided to just give something a go and picked up the phone to call a vegan restaurant. A few minutes later and he had ordered enough tortilla chips to last a week – well, better safe than sorry, right? If Sammy liked it, she would want more. Right?

While he waited for the food to arrive, he decided to go and check in on Sammy. Unsurprisingly though, she was still sleeping, hugging her throw pillow tightly. She wasn’t using her duvet this time, and yet again he felt his chest tightening at the sight of her legs. They just… looked so frail. They were pure bone, no fat whatsoever.

It made him want to curl into himself and cry. _Because it was all his fault_. He had harmed her, taken from her her freedom and everything that came with it. Not only that, but he saw her psychological scars every day, too.

Sam usually didn’t say anything about it, but he saw how much the bathroom scared her, saw how she made sure to check if there were any cameras around. Yesterday she had asked him to stay outside the door for her – and while she didn’t voice it, he heard the unspoken “stay outside to watch the door so no one could enter while she was inside”, and it hurt him more than he realized.

It was all his fault.

He was never so grateful for something like this before, but just as his thoughts started to darken, Sam’s phone started beeping.

Now, he wasn’t the snooping kind but if the thing didn’t shut up soon, it would end up waking Sam. And he couldn’t have that, at least not before her food arrived.

The name on the bright screen seemed to glare at him as soon as he walked closer to the phone – and it gave him a pause. _Mikey._ This time he wasn’t sure if he was feeling curious, guilty or jealous or none of that – no matter what, he picked the phone up and closed Sam’s door.

“Yeah?” He asked quietly, accepting Mike’s call.

“Uh… Josh?” Mike answered after a moment of confusion. “What are doing with Sam’s phone?”

Josh shrugged even though he knew Mike couldn’t see it. “She’s still sleeping, thought it was better not to wake her up yet.”

“Oh, yeah. Yeah, that’s a good idea. She needs to sleep more anyway.”

He was never _great_ friends with Mike, but never had he felt this awkward with him either – not even shortly after Hannah and Beth’s… well, yeah.

“So…”

All it did was make Josh frown more as he said back, “so…”

“Well, it’s just that Jess and I were wondering if… well, if that’s alright for us to come over tonight? I know it’s a little rude to invite ourselves, but Jess was really… uh, excited to see Sam and I—”

“It’s alright,” Josh said quickly, not wanting for them to embarrass each other more. He wanted to say something else to Mike, to… well, not to apologize but to _say something._ He would never forgive Mike’s role on the original prank, but he did some pretty wrong stuff too… Shaking his head when he realized he left Mike hanging on the other side of the phone line, Josh cleared his throat. “It’s alright for you and Jess to come over. Sam’ll like that and I… I will just disappear, alright? So it doesn’t get awkward.”

“No, man, listen, it’s not—”

He ended the call and put Sam’s phone on silent before returning it to her room.

Just a few minutes later and the food he ordered finally arrived – Josh took then the chance to pat himself on the back for choosing a restaurant that was somewhat close to their apartment.

He had the time to set up a nice platter with the tortillas and some juice when Sam started calling from her bedroom. All in all, he couldn’t help but grin a little at how timely he was.

“I’m coming in a second!” He yelled from the small kitchen, certain that Sam would be hearing and speaking less sleepily now.

“No need,” she called back, “it’s just med time.”

That gave him a pause – it really _was_ med time, wasn’t it? If it weren’t for her, he would have forgotten to take at least half of his medicine.

But choosing to just fool around with Sammy, he put a goofy grin on his face and entered her bedroom again, putting the platter gently in her lap.

“It can’t be med time,” he shook his head, “that was hours ago.”

“That’s the funny thing about med times – they are kind of a periodic thing.”

“ _Oh no,_ ” he pointed his finger sloppily at her, making Sam grin widely. “Are you quoting _Tangled_ on me, Sammy Bird?”

“Not really,” she shrugged, “because I kind of ruined the ‘birthday’ part of the quote.”

They laughed together after that, and it was just so good – Josh couldn’t actually remember the last time he and Sam talked without a heavy issue breathing down on their necks. This time it was just making fun of each other and guess what, _it was fun._

After they calmed down, Sam slapped his shoulder playfully, a smile still lingering on her lips. “Hey, just go and take your meds. Then I want to hear all about this idea of yours to bring me food in bed!”

“Aye, aye, Captain!”

He made a quick job of it and ran back to his Sammy, who still hadn’t touched her food.

“Hey, it’s not _dead meat_ or anything. I’m considerate Sammy, c’mon…” He whined a little, earning another playful slap on the shoulder.

“I know,” she grinned and offered him one of the tortillas. “I was just waiting for you to come back – this way we get to share the food.”

“It’s… vegan stuff.”

“Yeah, so what?”

“ _And_ I’m a proud eater of dead meat, thank you very much.” Just to prove his point, he crossed his arms stubbornly over his chest – _and once again_ , Sammy giggled.

“Aw, come on, Joshie!” She patted his cheeks, making him red on the face. “Just one tortilla won’t… convert you into a vegan. I promise.”

“Alright, alright!” He mock-shoved her away, making himself comfortable in her bed. Playfully taking a very small bite of the tortilla, he pretended to think it over. “Well, it doesn’t taste like grass. But it’s not too far from it either!”

She bumped her shoulder with his. “Jerk.”

“Vegan.”

“Well,” she poked his cheek. “If you keep that up, I’m going to put _Tangled_ on!”

“No, no Disney movies, Sam!” He whined, remembering a time when they were really young and Hannah and Sam wouldn’t quit with the Disney movies. He barely realized it was the first time a good memory of Hannah came up to him. “I thought we were over that!”

“Nope!”

Something occurred to him then – and he grinned widely at her, making Sam frown. “What are you planning?” She asked skeptically. “I’m not up to your pranks, you know—”

He didn’t give her a chance to finish – instead, he swept her to his chest and started twirling around in an odd and sloppy dance while she protested in surprise.

It had been years since Josh had felt this free – even though it was hard to pretend to dance while carrying Sam in bridal style, it was the most fun he had ever got for a long, long time.

Sometimes it was hard to believe they were nineteen and twenty. He barely believed it after all the baggage they both had.

Right then and there though, it didn’t matter.

“Oh!” She exclaimed in surprise after he spun them around and almost slipped. “Careful there, Joshua!”

“Oh, ha, ha.” He spun them again just to see her giggling. “Don’t tell you’re afraid that I’m going to drop you?”

“Of course not,” she giggled again, the smile firmly etched in her face. “I’m just surprised! Warn a girl next time you plan something like that!”

“I’ll try,” he winked and continued to dance around for what felt like hours. Finally, when his arms and legs started hurting from the effort, he put Sammy back on the bed and settled next to her.

“That was fun,” she said, playing with his short hair. “Thanks, I really needed that.”

“Anytime.”

He didn’t know what to do with himself for the longest time, but he kept holding Sam’s hand while enjoying her caresses on his hair. “That feels really good,” he told her.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, don’t stop.”

“What if…” She bit her bottom lip and he looked up to see her staring straight to his lips. It made him gulp, but definitely not in fear. “What if I kissed you?”

“You already did that before…” He said, gulping again.

Sam just smiled and leaned closer and closer, until her lips were brushing against his. This time, it wasn’t chaste or anything of the sort – they kissed for real. For a really long time, too.

And he couldn’t be more content about that, but he needed to tell her about Mike and Jess.

Well, _actually_ , that would have to wait.


	6. Part VI

He did disappear for several hours that night, giving Sam the chance to spend some time with Mike and Jess without him making things awkward. It was her apartment as much as it was his, after all.

And anyway, it wasn’t like this was hard for him to do. He just put his hoodie on and walked around their cloudy neighborhood, stopping once to buy a coffee somewhere called _Ron’s Coffee_ or whatever. He didn’t know why, but there was something on that place that was off to him – maybe it was the Wi-Fi. It was a fucking damn good Wi-Fi and nothing _this_ good was ever free.

But whatever, he left the place and didn’t think about it anymore.

Soon he was on his way back the apartment, confident that Mike and Jess wouldn’t stay there this late in the night. Their neighborhood wasn’t very good, and he believed Mike had some sense not to walk around with Jess at this hour. She had been hurt enough for ten lifetimes already.

When he reached the apartment, he was quiet – maybe Sam was already asleep, and he didn’t want to disturb her again. She needed her sleep ( _and you need yours too_ , a voice that was suspiciously similar to Sam’s whispered in his mind – it almost made him smile, hearing his mind not being mean to him any longer).

“Quiet, quiet,” he whispered anyway.

It was all for nothing; as soon as he was inside the living room, he heard the quiet whimpers coming from Sam’s bedroom that were all too familiar to him – she was trying to cry herself to sleep.

No.

He wouldn’t allow her to be sad this night – they had had such an amazing day, she couldn’t finish it crying at night. And Mike and Jess weren’t anywhere to be seen, so they weren’t comforting Sammy.

No, no, no, no.

Sammy deserved the very best, and he would at least keep her some company.

His mind firmly set on that, Josh made his way to her bedroom and knocked softly once, twice, three times. “Hey Sammy? Can I come in?”

She didn’t answer, but her whimpers did soften a little – he heard an intake of breath too, and quietly entered the room.

Sammy was tucked in her bed already, the duvet up to her chin and the throw pillow hugged to her chest while her blotchy and red doe eyes stared at him.

Knowing already what to do on a situation like this one, Josh gently pushed her aside and made himself at home on the bed, hugging her and the throw pillow. He didn’t ask what was wrong or told her sweet nothings, knowing well that she didn’t like this (and honestly, neither did he). But he did ask her, after a while, what the hell was wrong with Mike and Jess to leave her in such a state.

“It’s—it’s not their fault.” She told him through her whimpers. “It really—really isn’t. I’m just—just a stupid—stupid and dumb paraplegic girl.”

“Oh hush,” he frowned at her, shaking his head vehemently. “You know you’re wrong here – you’re are Sammy Bird, and no one is more perfect than you. Even with your vegan stuff. You’re practically a vegan version of Jesus or something!”

It didn’t make her laugh; instead, she just shook her head. “I’m just so stupid…”

“No, you’re not,” he insisted, taking her head between his hands and drying her tears. “You’re really not. Now, tell me what’s making you say things so fucked up.”

“It’s just… Jess—Jess is pregnant…”

Now, he wasn’t proud of his first reaction, but there was no changing it:

“What?! But she’s like, sixteen! What the fuck is wrong with Mike, didn’t they ever hear of—”

“ _No, Josh,_ ” Sam chastised. “She’s _eighteen_ and it’s—it’s perfectly legal for them to have a baby.”

“I’m sure their parents would disagree.” He shrugged, but kept hugging Sam to his chest. “But whatever. If you’re alright with this, what’s making you sad?”

“Well…” She hesitated. She was doing too much of this lately, he realized. He would have to work on something to boast her confidence – but he would really have to think about it later, dozing off to think right now wasn’t really an option.

He squeezed her carefully. “You can tell me anything, Sammy.”

“I know,” she said slowly, though there was still some hesitation in her voice. “It’s really stupid, but I guess that… knowing this made me remember that I would never… well, you know.”

“Oh.”

He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say, so he just kept hugging her. But when he looked down at Sammy’s face, he realized that she was expecting to hear something from him.

But nothing came to his mind – whenever something did, it was rude and not really appropriate.

“Look,” Sam said after a moment, not looking at him anymore. “It’s not like I wanted to be a mother right now – and I’m not… jealous of them or anything – I’m happy, I really am. It’s just that… this reminder felt like a slap on my face, making me remember _why_ I’m in this condition in the first place.”

_Because of me. Because I was selfish and hurt you._

“I…” She continued speaking, not realizing that Josh was putting some distance between them now. “I guess I just prefer to think that it was all a bad dream, that wendigos aren’t real and that… that Han didn’t really do this to me.”

“Han?” Josh asked, not managing to hide his surprise. _Han?_ “You… you really blame Hannah for all of… this?”

Sam’s eyes widened, and this time she was the one putting some distance between them. “What? Of course not! She was a victim as much as you and I were, but—but somewhere, deep in my mind, I can’t forget that it was _her hand_ that destroyed part of—of my body. But I don’t blame her. I never could.”

“Are you—are you sure?” He frowned, a sad and distant look on his face. “Because if I was on your place, I would blame my family for everything that has been happening to you.”

“Don’t be stupid, Josh.” Sam rolled her eyes, pulling him into a hug again, ignoring his light struggles. “I forgave you even before you apologized and you know it – what you need to understand now, Joshua, is that it’s time for you to forgive yourself.”

He started whimpering, then sobbing, and then his tears wouldn’t stop. He hugged his Sammy tightly, not managing to say a thing that made sense at all. He just needed to have her close, maybe this way he could borrow some of her light to his darkness.

It made him feel like a terrible human being though, crying in Sam’s arms when she was the one who was originally sad. He was just so, so pathetic. A poor excuse of a man. All he did was give Sammy more and more headache instead of helping her with her own issues.

He was pathetic.

“Listen to me,” Sam touched her forehead to his, bringing him back to their reality. “You _have_ to forgive yourself, Josh.”

He just cried, shaking his head without really meaning anything. He was supposed to be making her feel better about her demons, _but no_. He was making her help him with his.

“I’m so—so sorry, Sammy,” he finally managed to say between his hiccups. “I never—never wanted for you to—to end up li—like this…”

“Hey. Hey, stop that, will you?” She kissed his tear-strained cheeks. “You don’t have to worry about me. None of this was your fault, alright? We were victims. That’s the truth, Josh. That’s all there is to it – we just have to accept… accept our new lives. It’s not supposed to be easy, but at least we are together. Right?”

“I—I was—was supposed to be taking care of you n—now, Sammy…”

“No, no. _We’re_ are supposed to take care of _each other_. Alright?”

He was pathetic but… but she was an angel. His angel.

“Alright.”


	7. Part VII

“You should call Mike and Jess again.” He told her one time when they were eating on her bed again. “Invite them over again, you know.”

She stopped the fork midway to her mouth. “Oh?”

“Yeah, because of… well, _you know_.”

“I… do?”

He wasn’t really looking at her, too concentrated on his food – _dead meat_ , thank you very much – and too awkward with the topic. He just felt like this was something that needed to be said, especially since she was feeling better after her last outburst (which was thankfully almost two weeks ago).

“Josh,” she poked him with her fork, making him jump in surprise and glare mockingly at her. “I don’t think we’re on the same page here. Why do I need to invite Mike and Jess over again?”

“They’re your friends. They worry about you.”

She poked him again.

“Hey, stop that!”

“Well,” she ignored him and frowned, “they are _your_ friends too. And I don’t see you picking up the phone to talk to them. Like, ever.”

“Don’t be stupid, Sam. Mike hates me – and don’t get me wrong, he has every right to.” He spun his arms around wildly, as if this would completely prove his point. “He socked me in face, remember? Wished the… the fucking wendigo would kill me already so I wouldn’t bother anyone else again.”

“Josh, this isn’t—”

“It is!” He exclaimed, suddenly not sure why he wanted to talk about this with Sam in the first place. “You know this is exactly the truth! Fine, he came for me later in the mines – but you and I both know that this was because he needed the key of the cable car. I’m just… expendable, Sammy. And I’m okay with that, really. But you _aren’t_ – and I’m sure you should be spending time with Jessica, she probably needs someone to gush about baby names or whatever.”

He wasn’t sure when – or even _why_ – but sometime during his tirade Sammy had started crying, the tears leaking silently from her eyes and pitifully landing on her guacamole.

On that moment, he wasn’t sure on what to do – _again._

“Josh, I—I don’t want to ‘gush about baby names’ or whatever. I don’t—don’t want for you to think that you are expendable either, b—but—”

“Sammy—”

“No, let me finish.” She held one of her hands up. “I want for us to make an appointment with Dr. Hill. You have his number, right? And I—I know he was worried about you. I know that this appointment won’t be cheap though, and it—it’s alright because I have some savings and I can—”

“No! No, Sam, I don’t want—”

“This isn’t just about what you want, Josh! You know that.” She shook her head sadly. “You are sad and—and there’s nothing I can do to help you with that. I… I see it in your eyes every day. It kills me, Josh, to think that perhaps some day you’ll wake up and just disappear. Or maybe make another self-harming plan or—or… I don’t know!” She was speaking faster now, the words coming like vomit now. He, on the other hand, was completely speechless. “I thought the only monsters we’d need to face would be the wendigos.”

“Sam,” he took one of her hands between both of his, now crying as well. “I promise you that I’m not sad and that you are more than enough for me. There’s no need for anybody else as long as I have you. Yes, I might get a little depressed at times but… but that’s just a part of me that still grieves… you know what. I won’t ever abandon you, Sam. I really won’t. And if… if you’re worried about our imaginary monsters, I promise you that they won’t rule this house either. We’ll keep them out.” He then kissed her forehead, doing his best to stop his own crying. “And to start this monsterless life, I want for you to call Mike and Jess. In return, I can make an appointment with Hill or whatever. But I’ll pay for it, I don’t want you worrying about this sort of thing.”

She bit her trembling bottom lip. “Do you promise?”

“Pinky promise,” he grinned, offering her his pinky – which she gratefully accepted with hers.

“I want for you to stay here this time, when Mike and Jess come. They… they didn’t stop asking about you, you know.” She leaned against the headboard of the bed, avoiding to look at her uncovered legs. “It was kinda annoying actually! But seriously, I think they want to see you too. They worry, Josh, just like I do. They’re still your friends, no matter that night. They… they don’t blame you.”

Her first attempt at humor almost made him smile, but the thought of facing Mike again was a terrifying one. He couldn’t do that. There was no fucking way he could do that – he would prefer to face Chris one hundred times to facing Mike.

“You can’t know that, Sammy,” he told her ruefully.

“I can, actually. Mike told me more than once that he didn’t blame you for anything. Yes, at first he might have had – if I thought someone had killed you, I would hate them too! He was just… looking out for Jessica. But I promise that I’m not lying to you – neither of them blame you for that night. If anything, I think they might blame themselves for the entire nightmare that it was.”

“I… I don’t think I can face them, Sam.” He shook his head. “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to show my ugly face to either of them again.”

Sam scooted closer to him and drew one of her arms around his shoulders, leaning her head against him. Her presence was intoxicatingly comforting but the issue was still too dark for him to cope with.

“You don’t have to stay with them the entire time,” she said with a kiss on his shoulder. “If it becomes too much, you can just go to your room and lock the door. I’m sure they won’t mind at all – after all, they know what kind of trauma you are going through.”

“I—I don’t know…”

“I’ll be there with you the whole time.” She paused. “Just like you’ll be there for me. There isn’t a better way to face our fears, is there? Together is the best way, no matter how cliché that might sound.”

For a few minutes, all they did was stare straight ahead, not talking and barely even breathing. Until Sam’s phone started beeping – she didn’t need to look at know what it was though.

“Hey Josh,” she poked him with her middle finger this time. “It’s med time again.”


	8. Part VIII

Despite what he originally thought, his phone didn’t get lost on the Lodge that night – Sam had taken it with her and offered it back to him a few days after they moved in to his apartment. Never once had he looked at his old messages though.

Now he had no choice.

He wasn’t going to call Dr. Hill – not by a long shot – and so his only option was to message the man and hope to hear back from him. But to do that, he would need to look at their last messages and that… that didn’t hurt like looking at Sam’s legs, but that did make him forcefully bunch his hands into fists.

_LEAVE ME ALONE_ glared at him – though the star there was the _I don’t think your plan is going to help, Josh_. No fucking shit, Sherlock. Of course he knew it wasn’t going to really work, but that didn’t matter at the time. Nope. All that mattered was summed up on his “NEVER FORGET” note near Hannah and Beth’s photographs.

Things were different now. Not because he was forgetting his sisters – he never would, no matter how harsh the truth of what really happened to them was – but because he had something else in his life now. He had his Sammy right by his side, depending on him, taking care of him. A relationship that finally wasn’t destructive but forged on both parts leaning on each other, supporting each other as best as they could.

But it was also different because Sam couldn’t walk anymore. If only he had heard what Hill was saying, maybe he wouldn’t have to live knowing that it was his fault that Sam couldn’t move her legs anymore. Sammy had forgiven him, but she was right in assuming that he was far from forgiving himself.

He doubted he ever would.

And seeing Hill would be poking an open wound, making him remember that there was someone else in this world with the power of pointing a finger to him and saying “I told you so”.

But he told Sam he would be going to make an appointment, and he wasn’t going to let her down.

With deep breaths, he quickly typed – _do you think i can make an appointment with you?_ – and hit send before he could overthink this decision. This was for Sammy. He would do anything for her, he would.

Besides, he supposed he could take her with him. It would be good for her to walk around, breath some fresh air. If she said no to going with him, then that was fine too. Whatever was best for her worked for him, though he did wish he wouldn’t need to go alone on the appointment.

He was still debating whether or not it he should invite Sam to go with him when his phone beeped – and there it was, a new message from Dr. Hill.

_Joshua! I’m so glad to hear from you – I didn’t get any news about you since January! I was so worried you would end up harming yourself; it truly is good to hear from you. Of course we can make an appointment for you. How about this Friday? It can be the same time you used to come._

Josh didn’t know whether to grimace or frown at the message. “I told you so” wasn’t there, but he still believed it was coming. He totally deserved it, too. Not wanting to think about it any longer, he typed _friday works_ and put his phone away. On a second thought, he typed _thanks_ and sent this too.

Pleased with himself for not panicking, he made his way back to Sam on the kitchen – presumably finding something to eat for dinner.

“I did it,” he told her as soon as he saw the back of her blonde head. “I have I an appointment with Hill this Friday.”

“You do?” She spun the chair around in surprise, a bright smile lighting up her face. “This is wonderful, Josh! I—I don’t even know what to say.” Sam paused to bite on her lower lip, though her smile never wavered. “Thank you so much for doing this. I… I really think this is going to be good to you. To help both of us to move on from that night, you know?”

“Yeah… I hope so.” He scratched the back of his head before she was pushing the chair forward to take his free hand in hers.

“I’ll go with you, okay? This way you can kick my ass if this isn’t helpful at all.”

If anything, it did make him chuckle. “No need for any ass to be kicked, Sammy.” He squeezed her hand and knelt next to her. “But I do appreciate that you’re going with me.”

When the moment passed, she turned back to her own business and restarted making her dinner (whatever vegan stuff it was this time). Josh that time to search for something for him to eat too. It was a sort of routine of theirs, to prepare their meals together and then go and eat it either in front of the TV or in Sam’s bed. It was blissfully… normal.

It had been a while since Josh could say that something was “normal” to him.

“So,” she started after a moment, her plate already in her hands. “I have news too. I spoke to Mike this morning and… I did what you said I should. He actually sounded pretty relieved to hear from me so I guess—well, I guess you was right.”

He couldn’t stop the smirk on that moment.

And she, on the other hand, totally could ignore him. “He told me he and Jess would be coming over tonight. Maybe in a few hours, I think. Is that… is that alright with you?”

Josh frowned, actually thinking about it for a moment. No, it wasn’t particularly alright. His nerves were killing him. The possibility of facing the couple made him sweaty. But it was what Sam wanted.

“It’s totally alright,” he answered with a tight smile.

This time it was Sam’s turn to frown. “Mike also said that he would understand if you preferred to stay in your room or go and walk around the neighborhood or something like that. I don’t want you… well, I don’t want you to feel like we’re forcing you.”

“You’re not forcing me to do anything,” he assured her. “But I suppose I deserve to feel _a little uncomfortable_ after everything I put you and the guys through.”

Her tired sigh made him realize this was the wrong thing to say. “I told you that before, Josh, and I’ll tell you again: that was you crying out for help. I get it. I can’t say that everyone did, but you can’t forgive everyone either. Please let’s not keep punishing ourselves with this issue, _please._ ”

_Punishing ourselves._ That was a great way to put it, though Josh was only trying to punish himself.

But he said he was going to see Hill, and this he was also going to start trying to move on. Move forward. He needed to do this.

 “Okay.” He said after a moment, trying to smile at Sam. “Don’t worry about me tonight – I promise to try my best with Mike and Jessica. I will at least—at least remain on the same room.”

“That’s all I ask,” she motioned for him to come closer and, when he did, she planted a kiss on his cheek. “I’m really happy to see you’re trying to move on, Josh. That’s… that’s making me happy. Making me want to move on too.”

He nodded, a little red on the face.


	9. Part IX

Awkward wasn’t a good word to describe it, Josh thought ruefully.

Reflecting about it, he thought there might not really be word to describe how terrible and uh, _awkward_ it was to breathe on the same room that Mike and Jess.

Well, now it was just Jess. Mike had volunteered to help Sam with something on the kitchen, and ever since seeing the man pushing her chair to there, he was silently sitting beside an equally silently Jessica.

“So Josh, uh…” Jessica after almost ten minutes of silence. “How… how have you been?”

“I’m… coping.” He shrugged, not looking at her face – her scars still tormented him, seeing them all over her made him remember how everything had been his fault. “What about you?”

She frowned, seemingly thinking and rethinking her answer. “I’m actually better now. Happier. Things still aren’t easy but…” She fiddled nervously with her hands. “But I’m able to sleep through the night again. Mike says it’s real progress.”

_It is_ , he wanted to tell her. He wanted to tell her that he and Sam still weren’t able to get through the night without waking up screaming. Sometimes they would take meds to help them sleep, but the doctors had advised that they didn’t do this frequently – and Sam was intent on following this rule, making sure to even hide his own pills when she thought he was overusing them.

But instead of saying any of this to Jess, he tries to offer a friendly smile. “I’m glad to hear that. Sam will like to know this, too.”

“Yeah. I bet she will.”

When the silence became too heavy for Josh to bear, he gestured awkwardly toward her stomach. “So, uh… How is it, uh, like? To have… umm, something inside your belly?”

Stupid.

That was the stupidest thing he could ever have said to her.

_Why_ did he say that?

Fuck.

“Well,” she giggled. _Actually giggled!_ It was enough for him to let out a relieved sigh. “It’s not that different, I think. But I’m not too far along to feel any different yet, so I don’t know. Actually, the only difference now is that Mike is being stupid around me,” she grinned then, a small smile that made Josh almost be able to ignore all of her scars.

She was looking surprisingly happy, he decided – but that made him wonder if it was possible for him and Sam to smile like that one day. Blackwood had taken its toll on Jess, he was almost tempted to guess that she was the one that suffered the most beside Sam. From what he heard, Jess was dragged through the snow and the mines without even being able to properly see the wendigo.

And yet, here she was. Scarred and withdrawal, but also recovering. Finding new reasons to keep going on.

She was… hope, he guessed. That was a good way to describe her, yes.

Shaking his head, Josh turned to look at Jess and smiled. “Mikey was always stupid – apparently you were the only one that never noticed it.”

“I can’t say that you’re wrong,” she sighed, biting down a fond smile. “But it’s a new kind of stupid now – I’m not sure how to explain it.” Jess paused, looking back at the kitchen. “How is Sam? I mean… she seemed a little distant every time we spoke and… I’m afraid she’s becoming too withdrawal.”

That was a difficult question – he _knew_ how Sam was, but did he know how to put that into words? Probably not.

“She’s trying to accept everything,” he said finally. “Mostly trying to move on from everything, ya know? I’m trying to—to be there for her but… sometimes I think that I’m not enough to keep her grounded in the real world.”

“It’s hard,” Jess agreed. “The nightmares are the worst, but I imagine that can’t ever compare to losing the power over your legs. Did Sam, well, consider some sort therapy? I mean, to try and walk again? Have this sort of objective might be good to her.”

“We… we never talked about this.” Suddenly he looked around and quietly added. “She wants for me to go back to my psychiatrist so I don’t think she would be really against doing some therapy of her own. I don’t know.”

“Try bringing this up sometime. Maybe after your therapy? If you feel better, then you should use this argument with her.”

“Yeah…” He agreed, scratching behind his head. “Yeah, I’ll try. Thanks Jess. For real.”

She blushed. “No problem. My own therapist said that I should help other people who went through the same… trauma. That maybe this might help me as well. I’m… trying.”

Josh grabbed her hand and squeezed. “You’re doing well.” Then he let it go when he realized that there was still something that he should do. “I’m… Jess, I’m really sorry. For what I did. I should never… never had planned those sorts of things to you guys. I’m sorry that it cost your lives…”

This time she was the one to reach to his hand. “It’s alright, Josh. We kind of… had it coming. It was our fault that everything went to shit, you know. My fault. I… I planned that stupid prank on Hannah because I thought… because I was just so stupid—” She hiccupped, shaking her head sadly. When Josh looked up at her through his moist eyes, he saw that she was crying as well – but he couldn’t find it in himself to comfort her this time. “I’m so—so s—sorry! I never thought—never wanted for them to die! It—it—I was just so stupid—”

“It’s…” He tried to say, tried to do anything at all – because he would be a dead man if Mike came back to find him and a crying Jess. “I’m trying to understand, Jess. I can’t—can’t promise that I ever will, but… I’m trying. I… don’t want to blame any of you.”

“But you do.”

She said it so certainly, so sadly that he almost lied. But if this was their only moment of honesty, he would make sure not to mess it up. They needed it, didn’t they? To forgive each other, they needed to discuss this.

“I’m trying, Jess. I… really am.” He shook his head. “But it’s hard. I… miss them all the time.”

“I know,” she whispered, trying to wipe the tears from her cheeks. “I’m… so ashamed to even look at you, knowing that that stupid prank was the reason those… those monsters attacked us…”

“No. No, Jess. It was my fault too.” He frowned. “We shouldn’t be playing the ‘blame game’ though. I’m sure Mike wouldn’t approve.”

“Yeah,” she tried to laugh, but all she did was hiccup a little. “Yeah, he wouldn’t like that.”

He wiped his tears bumped shoulders with Jess, doing his best to stay as cheerful as possible. “Hey, so let’s focus on the TV, right? I recorded _Mr. Robot_ to show Sam, but we can go ahead without her.”

With her own tears being wiped, Jess smiled at him and did focus on the TV. By the time Sam and Mike were back, they didn’t notice that a very important conversation had taken place – instead, they offered food to everyone and made themselves comfortable in front of the TV.


End file.
